Thursday | February 09, 2012
Translation of President Bush’s $700 Billion Request
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By
Patty Cursed
25 September 2008
Transcript and Translation of President Bush’s Address to the Nation on Economic Crisis.
White House, September 24, 2008
Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America’s economy.
Translation: We’ve gotten ourselves into a hole, and we’re screwed… except for Cheney and I. One word, OIL!
Over the past few weeks, many Americans have felt anxiety about their finances and their future. I understand their worry and their frustration.
Translation: I know that YOU are scared shitless, but I’m making a killing off Iraq.
We’ve seen triple-digit swings in the stock market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the edge of collapse, and some have failed. As uncertainty has grown, many banks have restricted lending, credit markets have frozen, and families and businesses have found it harder to borrow money.
Translation: Of course this was inevitable, but I was hoping to be out of office before the economy tanked. You can’t win ‘em all!
We’re in the midst of a serious financial crisis, and the federal government is responding with decisive action.
We boosted confidence in money market mutual funds and acted to prevent major investors from intentionally driving down stocks for their own personal gain.
Translation: I swear I wasn’t reading to kindergarten kids this time.
Most importantly, my administration is working with Congress to address the root cause behind much of the instability in our markets.
Financial assets related to home mortgages have lost value during the house decline, and the banks holding these assets have restricted credit. As a result, our entire economy is in danger.
Translation: Welcome to the 1930s! I love repeating history’s mistakes as much as Cheney likes shooting people.
So I propose that the federal government reduce the risk posed by these troubled assets and supply urgently needed money so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume lending.
Translation: For a small fee Wall Street will be re-enacting the Great Depression at a theater near you. Just make sure you get there early to witness death defying acts like jumping off of New York’s tallest buildings performed by our Wall Street Traders.
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This rescue effort is not aimed at preserving any individual company or industry. It is aimed at preserving America’s overall economy.
Translation: With the exception of any company owned by me, any member of my cabinet, or my daddy.
It will help American consumers and businesses get credit to meet their daily needs and create jobs. And it will help send a signal to markets around the world that America’s financial system is back on track.
Translation: And let them know we’re ready to sell off the rest of the country. Our first auction will be held next week, it will be the state of Alaska and as a bonus the winner will receive Sarah Palin.
I know many Americans have questions tonight: How did we reach this point in our economy? How will the solution I propose work? And what does this mean for your financial future?
These are good questions, and they deserve clear answers.
Translation: Thankfully, I was given a pop-up book explaining in detail how the economy works.
First, how did our economy reach this point? Well, most economists agree that the problems we’re witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business.
This large influx of money to U.S. banks and financial institutions, along with low interest rates, made it easier for Americans to get credit. These developments allowed more families to borrow money for cars, and homes, and college tuition, some for the first time. They allowed more entrepreneurs to get loans to start new businesses and create jobs.
Translation: We’ll lend money to any American, no address required.
Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions.
Many mortgage lenders approved loans for borrowers without carefully examining their ability to pay. Many borrowers took out loans larger than they could afford, assuming that they could sell or refinance their homes at a higher price later on.
Optimism about housing values also led to a boom in home construction. Eventually, the number of new houses exceeded the number of people willing to buy them. And with supply exceeding demand, housing prices fell, and this created a problem.
Translation: For a small fee Black Water will burn that brand new home for you.
Borrowers with adjustable-rate mortgages, who had been planning to sell or refinance their homes at a higher price, were stuck with homes worth less than expected, along with mortgage payments they could not afford.
As a result, many mortgage-holders began to default. These widespread defaults had effects far beyond the housing market.
See, in today’s mortgage industry, home loans are often packaged together and converted into financial products called mortgage-backed securities. These securities were sold to investors around the world.
Many investors assumed these securities were trustworthy and asked few questions about their actual value. Two of the leading purchasers of mortgage-backed securities were Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Translation: This reminds me of our military contract that we made our troops sign. There are no stipulations just sign and get ready for the adventure of your life in the Middle East.
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Because these companies were chartered by Congress, many believed they were guaranteed by the federal government. This allowed them to borrow enormous sums of money, fuel the market for questionable investments, and put our financial system at risk.
The decline in the housing market set off a domino effect across our economy. When home values declined, borrowers defaulted on their mortgages, and investors holding mortgage-backed securities began to incur serious losses.
Before long, these securities became so unreliable that they were not being bought or sold. Investment banks, such as Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers, found themselves saddled with large amounts of assets they could not sell. They ran out of money needed to meet their immediate obligations, and they faced imminent collapse.
Translation: You can find now find them working out of cardboard boxes on the sidewalk in front of the Stock Exchange.
Other banks found themselves in severe financial trouble. These banks began holding on to their money, and lending dried up, and the gears of the American financial system began grinding to a halt.
With the situation becoming more precarious by the day, I faced a choice, to step in with dramatic government action or to stand back and allow the irresponsible actions of some to undermine the financial security of all.
Translation: I just love the word "dramatic."
I’m a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention. I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business.
Translation: Unless they are owned by the Vice President.
Under normal circumstances, I would have followed this course. But these are not normal circumstances. The market is not functioning properly. There has been a widespread loss of confidence, and major sectors of America’s financial system are at risk of shutting down.
Translation: Bread lines coming soon.
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The government’s top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold.
Translation: Distressing is my code word for abject poverty and total misery. But have no fear America, the Democrats want to take the resources used for our military and allocate them back into America’s economy. But don’t feel guilty, our troops can suffice without armor or ammunition.
More banks could fail, including some in your community. The stock market would drop even more, which would reduce the value of your retirement account. The value of your home could plummet. Foreclosures would rise dramatically.
Translation: Even though I’m almost out of office I don’t want any “Bushville’s” popping up under overpasses. Just to be safe, you might want to start stockpiling cardboard boxes.
And if you own a business or a farm, you would find it harder and more expensive to get credit. More businesses would close their doors, and millions of Americans could lose their jobs.
Translation: With small businesses gone, we don’t need to build no fence to protect our border.
Even if you have good credit history, it would be more difficult for you to get the loans you need to buy a car or send your children to college. And, ultimately, our country could experience a long and painful recession.
Translation: Get out your kerosene lamps and chop off the legs of your dressers and desks for fire wood because it’s going to be a long cold winter.
Fellow citizens, we must not let this happen. I appreciate the work of leaders from both parties in both houses of Congress to address this problem and to make improvements to the proposal my administration sent to them.
There is a spirit of cooperation between Democrats and Republicans and between Congress and this administration. In that spirit, I’ve invited Senators McCain and Obama to join congressional leaders of both parties at the White House tomorrow to help speed our discussions toward a bipartisan bill.
Translation: If they donated all of their campaign funding we could get out of this mess.
I know that an economic rescue package will present a tough vote for many members of Congress. It is difficult to pass a bill that commits so much of the taxpayers’ hard-earned money.
Translation: With the exception of Warren Buffet and my family.
I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street.
Translation: Not that I know any of these so-called responsible people but I have heard they exist.
But given the situation we are facing, not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later.
Many Americans are asking, how would a rescue plan work? After much discussion, there’s now widespread agreement on the principles such a plan would include.
Translation: Thankfully you’re paying people to discuss these things.
It would remove the risk posed by the troubled assets, including mortgage-backed securities, now clogging the financial system. This would free banks to resume the flow of credit to American families and businesses.
Any rescue plan should also be designed to ensure that taxpayers are protected. It should welcome the participation of financial institutions, large and small. It should make certain that failed executives do not receive a windfall from your tax dollars.
Translation: We’ll be capping salaries from seven digits to six. We don’t want anyone to suffer.
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It should establish a bipartisan board to oversee the plan’s implementation, and it should be enacted as soon as possible.
In close consultation with Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, and SEC Chairman Chris Cox, I announced a plan on Friday.
First, the plan is big enough to solve a serious problem. Under our proposal, the federal government would put up to $700 billion taxpayer dollars on the line to purchase troubled assets that are clogging the financial system.
Translation: Of course, if we weren’t bleeding money in Iraq we wouldn’t need $700 billion more dollars. But come on, what’s $700 billion more? Besides, don’t we owe China trillions of dollars?
In the short term, this will free up banks to resume the flow of credit to American families and businesses, and this will help our economy grow.
Second, as markets have lost confidence in mortgage-backed securities, their prices have dropped sharply, yet the value of many of these assets will likely be higher than their current price, because the vast majority of Americans will ultimately pay off their mortgages.
Translation: Did I say vast majority, I meant to say the minority, the upper class Americans.
The government is the one institution with the patience and resources to buy these assets at their current low prices and hold them until markets return to normal.
Translation: We work so slowly that by the time we make a decision the crisis will be over. If not, get ready taxpayers or your first born are ours.
And when that happens, money will flow back to the Treasury as these assets are sold, and we expect that much, if not all, of the tax dollars we invest will be paid back.
Translation: Paid back or funneled back into Iraq.
The final question is, what does this mean for your economic future? Well, the primary steps — purpose of the steps I’ve outlined tonight is to safeguard the financial security of American workers, and families, and small businesses. The federal government also continues to enforce laws and regulations protecting your money.
Translation: Therefore America, let’s abolish the middle class and raise taxes.
The Treasury Department recently offered government insurance for money market mutual funds. And through the FDIC, every savings account, checking account, and certificate of deposit is insured by the federal government for up to $100,000.
Translation: Good for people with less money, anyone with more than $100,000, bummer dude.
The FDIC has been in existence for 75 years, and no one has ever lost a penny on an insured deposit, and this will not change.
Once this crisis is resolved, there will be time to update our financial regulatory structures. Our 21st-century global economy remains regulated largely by outdated 20th-century laws.
Translation: The government works in slow and mysterious ways.
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Recently, we’ve seen how one company can grow so large that its failure jeopardizes the entire financial system.
Translation: I’m not sure which company this is, because if I was I would have mentioned it by name. Heck, at first I thought Freddie and Fannie were brother and sister.
Earlier this year, Secretary Paulson proposed a blueprint that would modernize our financial regulations. For example, the Federal Reserve would be authorized to take a closer look at the operations of companies across the financial spectrum and ensure that their practices do not threaten overall financial stability.
Translation: Soon we will be in charge of everything! The power will be mine, all mine!
There are other good ideas, and members of Congress should consider them. As they do, they must ensure that efforts to regulate Wall Street do not end up hampering our economy’s ability to grow.
Translation: I’m sure there are other good ideas, they’re just not mine.
In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength. Despite corrections in the marketplace and instances of abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised.
Translation: Evildoers, beware!
It has unleashed the talents and the productivity and entrepreneurial spirit of our citizens. It has made this country the best place in the world to invest and do business. And it gives our economy the flexibility and resilience to absorb shocks, adjust, and bounce back.
Translation: It also prepares us for the coming of the second Cold War, which will be inevitable with McCain and Palin.
Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge, but we’ve overcome tough challenges before, and we will overcome this one.
Translations: We must flex our might, build more weapons, and change the NFL 16 game season to 18 games.
I know that Americans sometimes get discouraged by the tone in Washington and the seemingly endless partisan struggles, yet history has shown that, in times of real trial, elected officials rise to the occasion.
Translation: They passed the Patriot Act, didn’t they? But we also tackled the toughest challenge of them all, steroids in baseball.
And together we will show the world once again what kind of country America is: a nation that tackles problems head on, where leaders come together to meet great tests, and where people of every background can work hard, develop their talents, and realize their dreams.
Translation: Either that or a few really rich, greedy bastards and everyone else has the right to drive a cab and work at a 7-11. Wait; are our sea ports still for sale? If so call the UAE and the Saudi’s and let the bidding war begin.
Thank you for listening. May God bless you.
Translation: Thank you for reading. This has been a big joke in more ways than one.
Patty Cursed is a member of the Siamese Liberation Army.
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Remembering 2000 – 2010… Through South Park said:
[...] Lessons from South Park [...] |
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Michael said:
Glad to know all those years watching South Park weren’t in vain. I’ve been part of a social movement! Thanks for your insights Ms. Tress. |
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Wendy said:
Great article. We need more outside-the-box thinking like this (and South Park!). Sometimes human behavior is so ridiculous, it just needs to be called out. Times are changing faster than ever these days, and we cannot rely on how things used to be. Good for you ending on a note of hope. We need that, too! Thanks. |
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Rehana said:
After living in the U.S. for over 20 years, I still struggle to understand aspects of American pop culture and humor . . . what’s up South Park – the kids just belch, fart, and curse . . .why a massive following over this !!?? You’ve helped me bridge the gap. There’s meaning there . . .mmmmK . .. lots of it, that’s a big part of the why! |
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Birgitta said:
Brilliance! It’s funny because it’s true. |
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Amina said:
This is a delightfully written article with well thought out concepts. I hope all young readers will take Jennifer Tress’ words to heart and really pursue those great ideas. In addition, Ms. Tress is an amazing writer, I would love to see more of her work! |
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Liz said:
Great article! You really can’t go wrong when you use South Park as an analytical tool. |
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Amanda L said:
I learned something today (that Jennifer Tress should be given more assignments). Also, while I’m unable to view an entire episode of any animated program (it’s my curse; I blame The Smurfs), I LOVED the YouTube clip of Kyle taking back the Margaritaville Maker to Sur La Table. Try walking into that place and not ending all your words with “able,” the Frenchation. But I digress. We’re in America and this article is able to make me smile. |
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Cece said:
Well done!! |
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Jen said:
Michael, I like it. Part of a social movement indeed… |
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HS said:
Love the article!! Makes you go “Hmmmmm” |
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Jen said:
Thanks everyone for the nice comments! I’m really amazed that after 13 seasons, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are still able to come up with clever ways for us to look at ourselves. |
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Brad said:
I once saw Trey Parker in Aspen, which is close to South Park. That’s why I like this article even more. Well done, entertaining piece that draws some good conclusions from a seemingly crass cartoon. |
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marci said:
If I could know now what the next “Facebook” breakthrough would be, I could be the next to be mocked on a cartoon bent on spewing social commentary through farts and hand jobs. Ah, aspirations. |
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Annie said:
I’ve never been a big South Park fan but did appreciate it for what it was …though this article makes me look at SP in a different light as well as wanting to be mocked on there. Thanks and props to the author! |
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B Spice said:
A very layered and timely piece. |
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Tara said:
Great article! I often seem to enjoy reading analysis of pop culture more than consuming it. My tastes are too narrow and limited. Why don’t you write something about Law and Order — maybe I could come up with an intelligent response. |
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Ria said:
I always knew I liked south park, but now I know why! Great piece! |
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Super Bram said:
South Park is the official historical documents of the good ole U S of A.. Respect my Authori-tie.. |
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frankie said:
Way to bring it home, Mrs Tress. It is the time of innovation on all fronts and the box should no longer exist. First, the war and second, the economic crisis has forever changed the face of the global market. Maybe you’ve got some ideas to to save the world and could write about in the future? |
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Cynthia said:
Thanks Jen for the great article and insights. I agree with you; the words “traditional career path” scare me and I think that this can only breed creative new approaches to living a more fulfilling, purposeful and self examined life. Love to see more of your work. |
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jaime said:
relevant + funny = great article. to be honest, ive always thought south park was crass and annoying, but this definitely made me think of the skits differently…good insight by the author! |
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Jen said:
I’m loving the thoughts YOUR comments are all provoking. |
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Matt said:
Great article. Someone will write a Ph.D. thesis on South Park someday. Along the lines of this piece, the “Canada On Strike” episode was genius. “The internet has money! Give us some of the internet’s money!” |
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Emily said:
Once again, JT, you’ve brought humor and intelligence to what the untrained eye (an uneducated brain) may think is simple and banal…keep it up! |
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JG said:
Jennifer Tress is brilliant and always has a fresh take; I’ll stay on the lookout for her commentary in the future. |
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Great piece. I propose South Park and this article be placed in a time capsule NOW!